karen's Blog: December 2012

It was during the second part of the semester, I was emotionally unstable but the weather seemed to contradict my infirmness. The sun was beautifully shedding its light to the world with no hesitation. The bell rang when the clock stroke at 8:30 in the morning. My classmates and I slowly moved ourselves toward the empty room thinking of another surprising lecture that might be given by our teacher.

As I sat in the chair where I always prefer to locate myself into which was two rows of chair from our teacher, an activity was directly given to us. We were told to get a one-fourth size yellow paper and so I grabbed my bag to check if I was able to bring any. Surprisingly, I did get to bring a whole of one or two yellow papers. I then divided one of the whole yellow papers into two and then doing the same procedure to the other half of the divided paper. As I was doing so, a soft, small, and whispering-like voice addressed me from the back of my chair asking for a single piece of the papers that I now possessed. My head rotated to the right direction as if I was recalling what the person said to me. Without minding who the person was I instantly picked a single piece of the papers that I have and gave it to my classmate.

Half of the class time was already spent and so our teacher posted two controversial topics on both sides of the board. They were written on two simple white bond papers with the use of a blue marking pen thus making the words appear very decipherable. The topics were very emotionally inclined and were definitely cliches that I somehow felt uninterested of the upcoming activity. Our teacher let us chose to which side do we mostly prefer and mentioning that we should give a stand to our decision. The class was then divided into two both parties having their intelligent reasons to the decisions they have done. The light debate between the two parties was going smoothly when all of a sudden an opposing classmate of mine to that of my chosen side of the debate expressed his opinion sternly in a matter that did not appeal to my understanding of the situation. After being in a state of boredom towards the debate that was going on, having heard my classmates opinion made me come to my senses that I was in a debate and I was fighting for something which was my belief. Right away, I debunked my classmate's opinion but he did not hinder to fight back. I got annoyed of my classmates perception of things that I again spoke for myself. The debate was then stopped by the equalization of thoughts of our teacher and her personal opinion of the matter at hand.

A long ring of the bell was produced as the day approached at four in the afternoon. "At last", I said to myself. It was my last period in class for the day and I'm now free to do anything. I was with my guitar and a friend of mine. We decided to go to the same place where we relaxed ourselves for awhile after the stressful day. We were laughing and chitchatting just about anything that came into our consciousness for it was our way of totally seizing the day- it was our ordinary daily routine. My frantically discussed joke towards my friend got halted suddenly by a humorous idea that popped into my mind as I saw a presence that came in the very same location where we were. About three feet away from the chairs where me and my friend were sitting on I can vividly observe that presence that captured my attention. It was in front of us and it left us with nothing but to talk about it. I wanted the conversation to be new and interesting and so without hesitation I sarcastically said "Hey friend, look at that person in front of us. Do you recognize him? Well, he is my new crush!" then I laughed. An exchange of laughter also came from my friend. She got shocked with the seemingly confessed fresh and burning information that I gave her. I was expecting that reaction from her. Abruptly, she uttered words that I have not expected to occur in that conversation. With a joyous look, she told me "Oh really? He was also the one I was telling you about. I have a crush on him too!" That didn't crush me a bit for I was only fooling around during those times just to erase certain issues that were embedded in the minds of my friends and of others. I wanted to break free from that agonizing issue that kept me locked in its dominion for quite some time.

The semester was about to end. People were all busy with the pre-registration of their proposed subjects for the approaching semester. I wanted to be in a class having my close friends. Sadly, most of them were registering for their major courses and I could not hinder decisions like that. But I was sure of my decision as well, that is to get the subjects that I prefer the most- those that I find extreme interest on.

"I wonder who my classmates would be". While I was walking towards the room where I was assigned to which was according to my schedule, the same questions kept circulating in my mind. I was so busy anticipating who I would be interacting with during the new semester that I forgot to notice I was already approaching my room. Our teacher was not in the room yet but I was struck with fear and glee at the same time upon seeing the body of people that comprised my classmates. What struck me the most was not the fact that my classmates were not my coursemates rather the undeniable reality that he was sitting mutely, having his own world with him and not minding what's happening with the world he is in. I entered the room with full timidity. I decided to sit at the back row of the crowd. In that place I would be comfortable for I would get to see everything that is happening in the entire class especially those that concern him.

Everything was doing fine- our teacher's lessons, our sessions, our makeup classes, exercises, our class interactions, and especially those certain instances concerning him. He was one of the achieving students of the class. He was indeed good. In fact, he is good at pretty much everything that he does. Well, not everything. I wanted to make friends with him. I wanted to know him more and to discover what kind of person he was disregarding the good impressions I get from people about him. But he was not really the person you would expect him to be. He was the type of person who would not adjust to the world he is in or to the kind of people he is with. He was the type of person who you should adjust to. He has his own attitude, his own world, his own music.

This was the opportunity I was waiting for! "I hope he replies. Was my sentence correct? What should I do if he does not respond? I hope this works". I was totally desperate during that night. I wanted to talk to him even impersonally. Though it sounded totally degrading in my part but what was only lingering in my head was the saying "desperate times call for desperate measures". There is no harm in trying, right? Well at least I have tried. There I was typing a phrase, deleting it in just a second or two for I was very conscious of what I was about to say, then retyping it again, and again the same process. After having completed a single statement question for minutes I again scanned what I typed and then courageously clicked the "Enter" button with my shaking right hand. I was really frightened of what might happen. All the negativity went into me. And as I was just about to be drowned by pure negativity, he responded! What a relief! The feeling was as if I won a lottery during that night, that I got a flat 1 in all of my subjects, that I was the luckiest person alive. He answered my question politely thus triggering me to say something back, and he did the same thing, and it became a long conversation.

It is funny though that because of modernization, the rise of new and effective technologies which make lives easier that people get to behave and turn out differently than what they were before. People get to be pretentious nowadays which I believe that denying that I do not belong to them is not really the wisest thing to do. I have been a good conversationalist in the field encompassing the world wide web. You get to express everything that you yearn to say without hesitation. But in real life, conversations to some of those people I get to interact with most of the time in the world wide web especially with him would be totally unusual and would definitely lead to awkwardness. He did the same thing. He would not approach me like what he does with his friends. He would not eat with me, laugh with me or even take a simple walk towards a destination with me. The only things that we get to share with each other are those never-ending approaches at covered walks, hallways, school grounds, rare places like malls and during seminars, and those honest eye contacts.

Everything happened so fast. It has been 10 months since the last time I noticed his presence. Such a short time to build emotional attachments toward other people yet a lot of memories have already been stored. Memories that were made out of pure jokes that turned out to be simple aspirations and that may somehow last a lifetime. A lot of people have went in and out of my life. A lot have tried to stay but there was just nothing that was letting them to do so. There was complete nothingness that was between me and them. As for him, now he is having his own life. I am hearing a lot of things happening between him and other people. Things which I once aspired being in one of them. He has his own preferences. I know. I have always known. Tall, chinita, slender, wears dress all the time, very feminine- very common attributes of a female that males nowadays long for. It is a shame I do not have any of them. What if I did have all of them? How would things be like? But for me, changing for someone you admire is very pitiful. Liking someone definitely encompasses those said attributes but loving someone does not mind any of them. I believe the lyrics of Bonnie Raitt's song says it all. "Cause I can't make you love me if you don't. You can't make your heart feel something it won't".

"It has been months since the last time we had a conversation. I just want to make things fresh again. Let us start another friendship. Something better than before." It was four in the afternoon. He was online the whole day and so I decided to start the conversation with the lamest question, again. I waited. He went offline. Then I turned off my computer. It was eight in the evening and he was online. I was making my paper until midnight. In and out he was in the web. I checked my computer's time, it was one in the morning. I checked my cellphone's time, a few minutes passed after one. He was still online and I still waited. I again glanced at the time, it was thirty minutes passed two in the morning. He went offline. I was losing the hope of having his answer. It was nine minutes before three in the morning. He went online again. I was finished with my paper. I went offline.

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